The 3 keys to dealing with a Defiant Son or Daughter

Dear mothers

To mothers of defiant boys! I know it hard dealing with these young men who don’t listen, talk back and yell terrible things at you. It’s not fair to think that you will be calm during all or most interactions with these strong willed young men. However it’s important to practice a few key mindset shifts. These 3 mindset shifts are how you see them, how you receive what they are saying and what you focus on. There are more tips and strategies but these are the most foundational and they will improve all other good strategies.

How you see them. When they are not listening, to what you say, yelling, and to be blunt just acting like a little jerk; it’s really easy to see them as a jerk or bad kid and like they are an adult who has decided to be mean because they don’t like you. It’s extremely hard to not take it personal but perhaps this will help. Try to remember that they are not an adult, their brain is not fully developed even if they seem super smart and capable of behaving wonderfully sometimes, they haven’t trained that ability enough to make it all the time. Just like the skills of hitting a baseball or shooting a basketball, not acting on anger take time and deliberate practice. Remember this the next time they have a tantrum. See them as the child they are, capable of greatness but one who will fail often. See them as capable of getting better but not always performing at their best. Sometimes it’s helpful to think of them as a few years younger than they are. Bottom line: don’t take it personal and don’t think of them attacking you, see them as struggling to get better at anger management. They want to get better.

When they yell they are say out loud things that are going on in their head. When most of us are told what to do, part of our brain argues with what we’ve been told and we remember, usually to keep the rude thoughts inside our brain. Often because of how much they trust you, they will let you hear their internal angry thoughts. Strangely this is a privilege, they will not always be this open with you. Value this gift but work with them to help them know they can’t behave in certain ways that you don’t approve of. Match their energy and then bring yours down to a calm tone and ask them what they can do instead of acting this way. Note: Don’t try this past the point of no return, when they are angry as the Hulk, be quiet, remove yourself as a point of attention. 

Pay attention to what’s going right! As humans we are really good at noticing what is going wrong, what we and others are doing wrong and ignoring what’s going well. To have a great relationship with your child, you need to flip that! Notice the things they are doing right and give them good attention and rewards for that. Try not to give attention to the things that they are doing wrong that aren’t hurting anyone. Also don’t punish thighs that have a natural consequence that the kid cares about. So many parents punish things that their kids are already beating themselves up for and they get mad about things that they won’t care about in 5 years. What you focus on, grows. Feed the good behaviors and starve the bad behaviors.

There are many other things to do to make the relationships better but these are the foundational things that will help your child to be the best version of themselves, the one you can be proud of. 

Bonus tip: Show you understand them before trying to get them to understand you. 

If you want them to listen and understand why you are doing the things you are doing, show them you understand them and why they want to do what they want to do and love and care about them unconditionally. 

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